Pilot Review: CSI: Cyber

CSI: Cyber is the third CSI: Crime Scene Investigation spin-off, starring Medium‘s Patricia Arquette. And in case you don’t want to scroll to the bottom: it’s awful.

First Impressions

All I have to say about this trailer is the following quote, “it’s not the perfect crime. It’s cyber crime.” (3:23) Stop. Now.

Even just using the word “cyber” sounds weird. No, I get it – that’s what this is. But it sounds so contrived and lame. Benefit of the doubt: it will give us a fresh perspective and catch our attention in doing so.

As a spin-off, this pilot has already aired and therefore does not have an official trailer. (CSI Season 14 Episode 21: “Kitty”)

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-WH14E3Wk0]

A modern topic with a dated feel

I watched a good 8 or so seasons of CSI. I liked their style of showing you different scenes as it may have happened. Then I watched a show like Bones, which is a little different: they put a big emphasis on the use of technology. So when I say that CSI: Cyber is dated, I mean really dated. Like, the first season of Bones a decade ago had better simulations. Watching CSI: Cyber is like watching a show about what everyone thought Y2K would be like. It’s so unrealistic and ill-conceived. In my mind, they’re using the same graphics creator from the turn of the century – and while he’s got skills, he doesn’t have the right aesthetic.

The best part of this show has nothing to do with computers

Actually, the best part of this show is the contrast that’s made about the importance of people vs what computers can tell you: the main character is basically a human lie detector, a la The Mentalist and Lie To Me. I loved those shows, so my real question is: why is there even the “cyber” aspect to this series?

I wouldn’t watch a single episode

Why? Because I went to University for a computer-related topic and I’m insulted that you are making a show around computers and then not being truthful about what would happen in these scenarios. Maybe I shouldn’t be upset, because that’s likely what all crime shows do about other topics – but since this is close to my heart, it matters to me! There’s a part where they “frustrate an algorithm” and then the graphics beautifully degrade. That is not real. Then you tell me that a guy can’t tell his camera is watching him when you show him clearly using a Mac? Those computers have lights that turn on when your camera is on. Stop it. You want to cover this topic but you’re going to do so with dated graphics? This is just poor business. You can’t market a modern topic with old news. Give up the cheesy one-liners and the ugly montages now.